Pain

And then there are the days that really hurt. Deeply. It feels physical though I realize it can't possibly be. It's like an ache, a phantom pain. Like you're missing an appendage that's no longer there. Why is it so complicated to be in a relationship? Why does it hurt so bad when they end?

When you're the one who gets dumped it feels doubly painful. You begin to question everything about yourself to try to determine why you were so easily left behind. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't pretty enough. I wasn't smart enough. I wasn't enough. On my good days I can recognize that I wasn't enough for that particular person, but that I will be enough for someone in the future. On my bad days, not so much. 

You start to question your decision making, your feelings, your understanding - all of it. You wonder if you read things wrong or if you were ever on the same page. Mostly, you wonder if any of it was really real.   

The hard part with all of this is that it takes time. It takes time to heal and recover from a break up. You have to make it through the first few days without them, then the first weekend without them, then the rest of your life without them. 

You put things in place to help ease your suffering - drinks with friends, a movie night with your kids, a party at your sister's house - but you're never really sure how it will go. You could be having the time of your life one minute, without a care in the world but then it all comes crashing back in. The pain, the regret, the ache. Or, you could be lucky and have a great night that helps you forget, even if it's just for a little while. 

Either way I know I'll survive. It will be tough for a while and then, one day, miraculously, it won't be so tough. The next day will be even easier. And, over time, I will begin to remember that I am strong, lovable and worthy and that love will surely find me again.