Monday, June 19, 2017

Teenage Angst Gone Too Far


Something is very, very wrong. My 14 year old daughter is crying hysterically. I don't know what's happening. She's glued to her phone. I can't tell what's happening. She's not telling me. I need to know what's going on. And then she tells me.  

She was "going out" with this boy for about three weeks. If you're not well versed in teenage vernacular, "going out" means snap chatting, texting and maybe seeing each other downtown, after school, at the Dairy Queen. Three weeks. I really need to emphasize the length of the relationship because it's important. 

She then decided she didn't want to "go out" with him anymore and told him that. To his face. Kindly. Like a good human being. And here's what he did in return.

He threatened to kill himself. You think I'm kidding? You think I'm exaggerating? I'm not. He, straight up, said he would kill himself if she left him. He said he would jump off the bridge to end his life. My mind is reeling. Who does that? Can you even do that? What is happening here?  

He was relentlessly "snap chatting" her about how sad he was and how he wanted to end his life. He sent her photos of himself on a very high bridge. He kept begging her to change her mind because he couldn't live without her. 

Then, to make matters FAR worse, he (four hours later) made out with one of her "friends" in a basement somewhere. Emotional whiplash anyone? Yeah, me too. 

Can we talk about this? Can we break this down? I'm extremely concerned, more so because this isn't the first time this has happened. Other break ups have left us with boys claiming they will harm themselves too.

What's going on here? Why are these boys doing this? Are there situations where such emotional terrorism/blackmail achieves the goal of getting the girl to stay? I can barely form words. These kids are 14 years old.  Where did they learn that this was a healthy way to deal with things?  Why can't my daughter see the wrongness of this? Why can't she see that this boy is somehow emotionally impaired or unstable and that it's not about her?

She is worried he will harm himself and everyone will blame her. I've told her that her only duty is to be kind to him and to be honest. I told her she should tell me if she believes his threat is real and I will notify his parents and/or the authorities. What do I tell her beyond that? What do I tell her in this day and age when young people (children) are dying of suicide at an alarming rate? How do I help her navigate this nightmare?  

But wait. It gets worse. Her friend group then turned on her. The boy she broke up with is relatively new to the school system and the area. Her friends didn't really know him that well. But. When he was upset, crying and threatening suicide, they took his side. They were angry that my daughter would make him so sad. Did you hear that? That she would make him sad. NONE OF US HAS POWER LIKE THAT, LEAST OF ALL A 14 YEAR OLD GIRL. But her friends felt bad for him. So bad, in fact, that they chose to cast her out of the group because she made a conscious choice to end a relationship that wasn't working for her. She didn't text him to end it. She wasn't rude to him. She just didn't want to be with him anymore and was honest about that. 

She was also deeply hurt that this "friend" of hers would kiss this boy just a few hours later. That makes sense to me. Am I crazy? I would be VERY upset if a boy, claiming to love me more than life itself, turned his attention to a willing participant who used to be a friend of mine, only hours later in a dark basement. What message does this send? First, the boy is lying. He doesn't like my daughter all that much or he wouldn't have done that. So she can just go ahead and start to doubt herself and her decision to trust him. Second, why would her friend willingly (and so quickly) jump into that abyss? Does she have no self respect at all? He's crying over another girl and you rush in to kiss him hoping to start a relationship with him? Really? REALLY?? That's the kind of dude you want? And that's the kind of story you want? Ew. 

This terrifies me for the future. Why would they do that? Why would they blame her for making a healthy choice? Why wouldn't they support the decision of their friend? Where are we headed and how do we get off this ride?

Thursday, June 15, 2017

You Can't Push Someone Up a Ladder




I'm tired. All the time. And no, it's not an autoimmune disorder or bad sleep hygiene. It's that I never actually rest my eyes and my body, both at the same time, for a full night. And do you want to know why? Teenagers. More specifically, my teenager.

I'm like a firefighter, or what I think a firefighter is like, at night. My clothes and shoes are always nearby. I've got my phone on the bedside stand - fully charged and ready with the ringer on. I am able to leap from bed at a moment's notice and handle whatever situation comes my way. Well, most of the time.

The usual situation is talking to police officers at my door at all hours.  They come to my house so frequently now that we're on a first name basis. I'm even getting to know the State Troopers so I guess that's a bonus? Two visits ago the police officer said he really felt bad for me asked if he could give me a hug. Of course I agreed because a) he's very nice, b) he's cute and c) I was happy to know someone was on my side. Bullet proof vests aren't very snuggly though so it wasn't as comforting as I hoped it would be.

The last visit was on a Sunday morning at 4:00am. My son crept into my room and whispered "The police are at the door. Here's your robe. I didn't do anything bad, he just had to bring me home." Because this is my life now. I stumbled out of bed, clutching my robe, rubbing my eyes and sat down at the table to see what was going on. Let's see, this time, my son had been picked up at a local park with two (older) girls who were drinking. He had not been drinking. (No, I'm not your typical idiot parent that trusts her kid. They did a breathalizer on him, that's how I know)  Anyway, the officer had to drive him home because my son was not supposed to be driving after 10:00 pm. The only up side was that the officer confiscated the hard lemonade from the girls and brought it to my house. I enjoy hard lemonade. So...silver lining?

I've had the police at my house when my son and his buddies destroyed a mailbox (my aunt and uncle's), when my son ran away, when my son's friend was in trouble, etc. I really could go on and on but I'm just too tired. Suffice it to say that they don't have to ask for my name or birthdate anymore. Timesaver!!!

There are days when I just don't know what else to do with this kid. Many, many days. On those days I usually throw in the towel, give up and beg a family member to keep him for "just one night" so I can get some rest. I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if he'll be ok or if he'll continue to spiral out of control. I hope that, one day, he'll figure it all out and get on the right path. But on days like today, I have to remember that I'm only human, that I'm doing this alone, that I have another kid to worry about and that I have to put my own oxygen mask on before I can save anyone else. 

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