Nobody really knows how to raise kids, I'm sure of it. Some people are lucky and get great kids straight out of the womb. Others seem to have that magical way about them that makes the wonderful parents from the moment they lay eyes on their babies - full of love, patience, creativity and organizational skills. The rest of us are just stumbling around in the dark searching for answers.
I am currently lost in the dark. I was given a kid that I haven't really ever understood. I'm sure a lot of parents feel that way, especially during the teenage years, but I really don't get him. The things that he does and the choices he makes don't make any sense to me or to anyone around me. At all. He does things that make me cringe, make me scream, make me cry and make me wonder, "What is WRONG with this kid?" And right behind that thought comes, "How can I say that about my own kid?" Go ahead and tack on the guilt and the shame of it all. That's always super helpful.
And so what to do with this child of mine? From the moment of his birth, I have loved him fiercely and with all of my heart - total Mama Bear. I have felt all of his pain and all of his joy. At times I've questioned whether my love was too much. Whether it blinded me to the person he was becoming. Whether it caused me to handle him differently than I should have. Maybe I should have yelled louder or not yelled at all? Maybe I was too strict or maybe not strict enough? I never really could tell with him. The things that worked on other kids never ever worked on him.
So what's a mother to do? The only thing I really know how to do is to love him, though I sometimes even falter when it comes to that. There are days when I feel like he is intentionally trying to drive me crazy. Truly, absolutely, out of my mind crazy. And then there are days when he is the most loving and selfless child I've ever met. And the pendulum swings from day to day.
Others who haven't walked in my shoes offer their opinion on the situation all the time. They make declarations about what kind of kid he is. They say he's sneaky or that he manipulates me and that he lies. They say he needs more discipline, more rules, more structure, more medication. And that may be true. But listen, there was no training for any of this. I am parenting this kid the only way I know. My instinct tells me that he needs my unconditional love more than anything else in this world and that's what I plan to give him for the rest of his life. No matter what.
I know what you're thinking when you look at him. You think he doesn't act his age. When he was little I used to get stared at in the grocery store all the time. He was always tall for his age. So when he was 3, he looked like a five or six year old. People couldn't understand why he was having a tantrum on the floor! I still feel that way sometimes. He looks like a normal teenage boy. He's 6'2" tall and skinny. He doesn't always give you eye contact and he mumbles a lot. I always thought he was like a puppy with giant paws. He just hasn't quite grown into himself yet. But he will. And when he does he will find his way and he will know that I have always believed in him, loved him and supported him. When others wrote him off and thought he'd never amount to anything, I had faith that he would be ok. He will know that I was his champion from day one and that I will never stop fighting for him.
I think God gives you special skills when he decides which child/children to give you. God must have an awful lot of faith in me.
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