Sometimes You Can't Pull Up

A very dear friend gave me this advice when I called her yesterday. I told her I was really struggling to "pull up" and get through my day. I was feeling sad, angry and really out of sorts. I was frustrated that I couldn't make myself better and just get over it. She said, "There will be days when you just can't pull up. Your best bet is to just keep her steady." And sometimes that looks an awful lot like popcorn and movie night with the kids.

The sadness comes over me in waves sometimes and it's rarely when I expect it. I can be doing just fine and then something will set me back - a thought, a memory, a feeling. It feels like a physical blow to the gut when it hits and it's so debilitating. I get upset and sad so easily sometimes. I'm usually pretty controlled and on top of things but the divorce is just not what I expected. I didn't exactly expect to feel happy throughout the process but I didn't think it would be this hard either.

And I'm convinced that this time of year is tricky for all mothers, not just me. It's a time for transition - kids going back to school, getting back into the routine of it all - and I guess that, this year, I've had enough change already, thank you very much. I know a lot of moms around me who are struggling as well. Making sure you have all the school paperwork filled out, the classes signed up for and the uniform payments made, can take a lot out of a gal. Especially when you have more than one child. Plus, there's all of those orientation meetings to attend and information to load onto the family calendar. Planning ahead for days when the kids won't be in school is one more thing to consider.

It's all overwhelming me right now and I'm just not sure how to handle it all. But what option do I have? None. It has to be done and I have to be the one to do it, so I will.

Still, please allow for some upcoming whining....

Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This

Just when I think I'm getting back on top and settling in to my new reality, I'm thrown a curve ball that puts me back at the starting gate again. Without going into too much detail, suffice it to say that I got really worked up and worried about the kids. It was not without merit but it was a rough go of it nonetheless. My tired and puffy eyes this morning are a testament to the terrible night of "what ifs" that I endured last night.

I feel calmer today. Fresher today. A little better able to tackle the situation at hand but still not as strong as I'd like to feel. Everyone around me tells me how strong and capable I am but some days I still just want to pull the covers over my head and not get out of bed. I suppose that's normal. Still, these setbacks frustrate me and make me wonder if I'm on the right path and doing this whole thing "right".

Chickens Without Feelings

I entered the chicken coop this morning to collect eggs, feed the chickens and let them all out. As I turned to my right, I noticed a bird that was lying motionless under the laying boxes. I mean really motionless. Like dead motionless. The life of a “farmer” (and I use the term very loosely in relation to myself) is sometimes a difficult row to hoe. There is life and there is death. There is sometimes pain and suffering and sometimes not. I took a moment to reflect on the life of this particular bird and thank her for her service to our family in providing eggs.

But, as these things go, there are always the practical matters that must be addressed. Carcass removal was at the top of that list this morning. I’m not so great with this sort of thing, you might be surprised to know. Dead things kind of freak me out. Plus, her legs were all stuck out straight kind of like she’d been just standing around, being a chicken, and then just fell over dead. I couldn’t bring myself to just grab her by the legs and haul her out of there, mostly because I didn’t want to actually touch her. A quick glance around the barn proved that my shovel was not present – most likely hauled off to some other part of the yard by the kids for God only knows what purpose. Still, I was in kind of a time crunch so I just had to make do. I grabbed a milk crate and then looked around for something that I could use to push her body into the crate with. The only thing I had in my hand was the feeding scoop that I use to feed the chickens.

Living on a farm you get over the whole “germ” thing pretty quickly. Most people would become faint with some of the non-sterile things that go on around here. It is not at all a rare occurrence to have the kids complain to me about having chicken crap squish between their toes. “You’re fine,” I’ll say. “Just rub it off in the grass”.

So you might think that it might not be a good idea at all to scoop up a dead chicken with the very utensil that I would then use to feed the living chickens. But you weren’t in my shoes (and work clothes) this morning so you’d have to get over it.

I positioned the crate to receive the body and took the scoop and started to try and wrangle her (surprisingly floppy) body out from under the nesting boxes. What I did not anticipate was the reaction of the other birds. The minute they saw the feed scoop they went into a sort of frenzy, assuming that it was feeding time. They trampled all over their fallen comrade in an attempt to get to the corn that would invariably be delivered.

So now, I’m pushing them away with my foot, shooing them away with the grain scoop and frantically trying to get the body into the crate. I’m also yelling nonsensical things such as “Have some respect” and “Did her life mean nothing to you?” at a bunch of chickens.

Once I got her into the milk crate, I set her up on top of the cage and went about the rest of the feeding schedule. Gave the goats and llama some hay, put some corn scratch in the yard for the chickens and fed the cat. Then, I went back into the barn, grabbed the milk crate and chucked the whole damn thing into the weeds. Gross. I didn’t really need that milk crate anyway.

Pinned

(This is kind of how I looked but I would never wear those shoes)

As many of you know, I'm a bit of a DIYer  when it comes to my home. I'm always painting or redoing something. Plus, I'm always on the look out for something to add to the house. Craigslist, picking up stuff at the side of the road, whatever, I'm all over it. Today, that got me into some trouble.

My sisters are always yelling at me about getting stuff off Craigslist by myself. "You could be KILLED", "Remember the Craigslist killer?", "What if it's some psycho luring you to your death?"  Whatever, I got a great TV and TV stand for $30 just a few weeks ago (WHOLE story about that one later...).

Anyway, on my way to work today I was driving down Miller Road and saw a table on the side of the road. Truth be told, it was more of a work bench, but the top was FANTASTIC and I just had to have it. I pulled over, laid down the seats in the car, turned on my hazard lights and popped the trunk.

The table was in two parts - the top separate from the bottom - so I thought I'd get the top part in first. Hmmm, kind of heavy. Like REALLY heavy. Still, I consider myself to be quite strong and robust so I thought I'd give it a go. I lifted it ever so slightly, just enough to get the tips of my shoes under the bottom of it and then the whole scene went to hell.

As if in slow motion, the table came towards me and I was forced to the ground. Pinned under this beast of a table (that I still desperately wanted), I had no idea what to do. My head was actually laying in the gravel at the side of the road as I alternately struggled to free myself and jerked my head around to make sure that no one was witnessing this.

After a few minutes I actually considered that I might have to flag down a passing motorist to help get me out from under this thing. My pride got the best of me and I gathered my strength for one final push. I was able to slip out of my shoes and shimmy myself free of the table while grabbing the bumper of the car for support.

Mind you, this was all on my way to work, dressed in work clothes. I got up, dusted myself and called my INCREDIBLE nephew Ethan, dragged him out of bed and BEGGED him to go and get it for me. Which he did because he's kind of awesome that way. So now the table is safely in my garage and I can't wait to get started on refinishing it! It's going to be the PERFECT dining room table when it's done. I'll try to get a picture posted soon!

Best. In-Laws. Ever.

My wonderful and amazing in-laws, Dave and Suzie, just returned from a five day trip to Drummond Island with my kids and two other kids as well. As they pulled into the driveway and the kids piled out of the car, Dave and Suzie looked just a little bit dazed and frankly, kind of pale.

Unfortunately, they had stopped at the Ponderosa two hours before arriving home and had "ok'd" the kids accessing the all you can eat, soft serve, ice cream bar. The last two hours of that ride probably took 10 years off their lives and I feel kind of bad about that. Still, I'm awfully grateful that I was NOT in that car.

During the trip up North, I spoke with the kids numerous times. Checking in, catching up, hearing about their day, etc. They were riding bikes, fishing, kayaking, boating and swimming. It's truly a kid's paradise up there.

I couldn't be more grateful for the gift of the kid free time. I love my kids, they are my whole world, but having someone take them off my hands for five days is sometimes exactly what I need. It was wonderful. And I got my kitchen painted. Best. In-Laws. Ever.

Attack!!!

I was painting the kitchen last week-end, windows wide open, music blasting, when I heard a disturbance in the yard. The chickens were raising such a fuss. There's always something they're trying to work out amonst the flock but this sounded, I don't know, more FRANTIC. So I went running out the front door and, lo and behold, A CHICKEN HAWK was trying to take one of my hens!!!

He was on top of her trying to dig his enormous talons into her and lift her into the air. Chickens were scattering and running for cover in all directions while this one hen battled for her life.

Have I mentioned that Max has a bad habit of leaving his toys laying around in the yard? I grabbed the first thing I saw, which happened to be Max's baseball bat, and ran into the fray, screaming bloody murder. The hawk, stunned by my sudden and bizarre approach, let go of my hen and flew off. I saw that he flew into a nearby tree so I ran to the tree, shaking my baseball bat at him and yelling threats. Truly, the neighbors are WAY over expecting anything less than me "threatening a tree" these days.

Then I got down on my hands and knees in the front yard to reassure the flock that everything was ok and that they were safe. So the neighbors most likely witnessed me "whispering reassuring words" to the pine trees as well. At least I assume that's what the police report will read.

Still and all, the hawk lost and I won. Plus, I was happy that I was better armed this time. Last time it happened a fox was trying to take a hen and I was armed with only a spatula and an oven mitt.

Julie - 2
Wildlife - 0

One Tough Mudder

Seriously. This is like nothing I've ever seen before. So much mud, fire, water, electrical shocks, walls, logs and more mud. And these people you see above braved it all (minus one who was smart enough to walk around a shock station - not naming names...). They were/are fierce, strong and brave and I am amazed by each and every one. I cannot believe some of the obstacles they endured only to receive an orange headband, a t-shirt and a beer. Oh, and well deserved BRAGGING RIGHTS!

It was such a cool day and such an amazing thing to witness!! The people that participated were so absolutely powerful!! They faced each obstacle as a team and got each other through it all. No one left behind. Ever. That, my friends, is what family is all about. My cousin Jesse is quite a veteran of these events - I believe he's done five of them already including the "Worlds Toughest Mudder". He led his team with such grace, support, kindness and fun. I swear to you that he looked like he was on a walk through the park the entire time.  

It was so great to be able to spend time with my "California" family who we just don't get to see enough. To be surrounded by love and fun and joy was the absolute best way to spend my week-end.

I would have posted some video as well but, well, there were some issues. First of all, I had never used the camera before so, apparently, I didn't know when I was turning if off or on. Lots of nice footage of my shirt, my shoes and the inside of my snack bag. Secondly, in hindsight, I probably should have muted the sound when I was taping them crawling on their bellies through muddy water while electrical shocks zapped their backs. Little bit of strong language that will most definetely require some editing.

Lastly, while being the primary videographer, I was also responsible for FIVE children. Max, Zoe, Lucy, Jack and Sam. I was also hauling along about twelve pounds of snacks and water, bug spray, sunscreen, ipods, phones, cameras, and extra clothes. Most of the snacks had been eaten within the first hour of the race (which lasted 5 hours). Sam was covered in mud from head to toe at the beginning of the first obstacle. I lost track of him at least four times. Jack was in tears from a wrestling injury which I did not witness due to filming so I couldn't even place the proper blame on the offender. Zoe was starving and upset that her pants got wet from the grass. Lucy was thirsty and kept asking "Can Zoe and I have a sleep-over tonight?" Two hours into it they were pretty much done. We made our way back to the finish line where I had to buy them each $5 nachos and $5 lemonades (Thank you Mom and Sue) just to keep them from completely falling apart. They were exhausted, sunburned, muddy and crabby. Then we had to do the 1/2 mile trek just to get back to the car. Whew.

I did get some decent footage, just not what I had THOUGHT I was getting. More importantly, I returned to the finish line with the five original children I started out with and they were all alive. I consider that to be a pretty good ending to the day.