Break Down

I think I might be having a nervous breakdown, or at the very least, an identity crisis. Or maybe it's a panic attack? I find myself stuck this morning, in one of those "grass is always greener" and "if only" situations. As I rode the elevator up to my office today I was thinking of a million places I'd rather be. I'd rather be home, I'd rather be running errands, I'd rather be at the movies, I'd rather be with my goats. I know that everyone goes through this but it's just so crappy when it's you going through it. Much easier to empathize and help someone else when you're in a good spot yourself. Much harder to claw your way out of the pit on your own. Damn dirt keeps getting in my eyes...

So now I'm trying to make the following determination: Serious or not serious? There comes a point in everyone's lives where decisions must be made. The information that you base those decisions on is what is critical. Is my job/spouse/outfit REALLY that bad or is this more of an internal "my life sucks" kind of struggle? Is this a true jumping off point where I could change my life completely and live happily ever after or do I just need more coffee?

I do have some bigger plans out there. I do have some things that I'd like to try and change. Here's the problem: I tend to embrace the "I'll be a completely new woman by next week" theory. It's a bad theory, mostly because it doesn't work that way. But the small changes just seem so small. I'm not totally unaware that my all or nothing thinking is part of the problem, I'm just a little lost on how to reframe that notion.

Let's talk about my weight, for instance. Ugh. I'm so tired of struggling with it, worrying about it, momentarily conquering it, and losing to it again. It runs my life in a lot of ways and I'm so fed up with it. I'm constantly studying thin people to try to understand what they do that makes them look the way they look. The problem is that it's not necessarily what they do so much as what they believe about themselves. And there's the rub.

If I don't know where I'm headed or what I want to do or be, then what should I believe? I think it's time to sit down and work on setting some goals. Now before I get negative about the whole thing and beat myself up for not doing this sooner I need to say, in my defense, that this is all about timing.

Prior to this, my life has been all about the kids. Are they hungry? Are they thirsty? Are they clean? Are they happy? Perhaps I'm approaching the time in my life where that focus can shift ever so slightly to allow me to care more for myself. They can pretty much manage foraging through the kitchen for food and water so no one is going to starve or get dehydrated by me stepping back just a little. And maybe, just maybe, if I focus on myself I'll feel more content with where I am. Fingers crossed.