I've Got You

So a terrible thing happened. I can't really talk about it because it's not my story to tell but suffice it to say, it was awful. This "thing" required my attention, intervention and management. I was thrown into something that I had no idea how to handle and I was scared and overwhelmed. I really didn't think I'd be able to get ahold of it at all. But Jeff was there. He was there and he was calm. He knew what to do and how to do it. He took control of the situation and soon therafter, everything and everyone fell in line. He wasn't upset, he wasn't yelling and he wasn't mean. He assessed the situation, determined what needed to be done and then he did it. I am forever grateful. 

At one point in the night, after things had settled a bit, I was starting to fall asleep but I knew I had to stay awake to be sure everything was ok. He and I were sitting there together, at 2:30 am, trying to process and trying to stay on guard. He'd had two hours of sleep in the previous 48 hours so I knew he had to be tired. I told him he could go to bed but he refused. He said that I needed to go to bed and that he would keep watch. He said, "I've got this. You get some rest." And he sat there. In the dark. Exhausted but vigilant. And I've never felt so loved and cared for in all my life. 

When you know, you know

Here's the thing about Jeff. I’m completely thrown by him, which never happens to me. We knew each other in college and he asked me out numerous times. I always said no. The last time I turned him down he asked another girl out, then married her. For 25 years. And two kids. Here’s the really weird part. Coming back together with him now, it feels like coming home. We just “fit” together. We can talk for hours and hours and never run out of things to say. It's like my soul recognizes something in his soul that I’ve never really felt before. It feels like he knew it back then (in college) but I didn’t. And now that I feel it, I feel guilty that I didn’t/couldn’t recognize it back then. He loved me for all of those years. Thought of me, tried to find me, dreamed of me. And I thought of him too. When I’m with him I feel safe, loved and adored. When he looks into my eyes it’s like he’s looking into my soul. He reads my thoughts and knows what I’m thinking, even when I try to hide it. He’s smart and well spoken. He anticipates my needs. He is well rounded. He's worked as a firefighter for 18 years and has his life together. He’s a great dad and is very supportive of and involved with his kids. 

He’s kind of dorky too, in a sweet way. Eagle scout, chess club, non-sporty. He’s loving and supportive. Caring and helpful. He came over the other night and I told him I was making tacos. He immediately said he would stop at the store and pick up anything I needed. He showed up with everything I asked for AND a dozen roses! Such a simple thing but it made me swoon.

It’s the strangest feeling - like I’ve finally found this thing I’ve been looking for all my life. This closeness, this soul connection, this knowing feeling. My head is spinning. It's exciting and terrifying and absolutely wonderful.

Pain

And then there are the days that really hurt. Deeply. It feels physical though I realize it can't possibly be. It's like an ache, a phantom pain. Like you're missing an appendage that's no longer there. Why is it so complicated to be in a relationship? Why does it hurt so bad when they end?

When you're the one who gets dumped it feels doubly painful. You begin to question everything about yourself to try to determine why you were so easily left behind. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't pretty enough. I wasn't smart enough. I wasn't enough. On my good days I can recognize that I wasn't enough for that particular person, but that I will be enough for someone in the future. On my bad days, not so much. 

You start to question your decision making, your feelings, your understanding - all of it. You wonder if you read things wrong or if you were ever on the same page. Mostly, you wonder if any of it was really real.   

The hard part with all of this is that it takes time. It takes time to heal and recover from a break up. You have to make it through the first few days without them, then the first weekend without them, then the rest of your life without them. 

You put things in place to help ease your suffering - drinks with friends, a movie night with your kids, a party at your sister's house - but you're never really sure how it will go. You could be having the time of your life one minute, without a care in the world but then it all comes crashing back in. The pain, the regret, the ache. Or, you could be lucky and have a great night that helps you forget, even if it's just for a little while. 

Either way I know I'll survive. It will be tough for a while and then, one day, miraculously, it won't be so tough. The next day will be even easier. And, over time, I will begin to remember that I am strong, lovable and worthy and that love will surely find me again. 

Return to Self

I attended an online, guided meditation today because, you know, any port in a storm, right? I've done meditations like it before but this one felt different. This one calmed me in a way that I haven't been calmed in a very long time. After all the breathing and visualization she asked us to rub our hands together to create warmth and then to place our hands over our hearts. I felt so connected to myself. She talked about how we need to send and receive love to all things and I really felt that. 

My sister has been going through a tough time. I can't offer details but it's just a really bad time for her - fear, anger, pain and suspicion. We sit and talk a lot lately. I offer support - she offers support - we support each other. But there is a much wider support network than just the two of us. Our nuclear family, our extended family, our friends and our community are all tied together in such a way that won't allow either of us to fall. Sometimes the support comes from an unlikely source, other times it comes from those you know you can always count on. And that's no accident. 

I was raised to believe that family and community were very important in every day life and I now know it to be true. It's amazing how it works - very organic and seemingly without much effort. I strive to be kind to the people I encounter in my life. (Some would say I'm too kind but that's a topic for another blog...) It doesn't take a lot of extra effort, sometimes none at all. But the rewards are astounding. A nice smile, a kind gesture or a warm hug all go a long way towards improving someone's day. If I can make one person's day better then that's one happier person in the world. Imagine if we all did that, every day! 

Listen, I could easily be a beast about the bad thing happening to me right now or the horrible mess my sister is living through but I think I'll choose not to. I think I'll choose love, compassion and forgiveness. (On my good days anyway 😉). I want to believe that everyone is doing the best they can with what they've been given. People are sometimes mean, cruel, manipulative and deceitful but I think it's because of battles raging inside them. It rarely has anything to do with me. There is no need for me to pass judgement on them because they're being far harsher to themselves than I could ever be. 

That being said, anyone who chooses to mess with my sister is messing with me and my whole clan. We are powerful, determined, smart and brave and we will protect her always. A smart person would understand that and "stand down" - knowing the war cannot be won. Unfortunately that's not the kind of person we're dealing with...

Small World or Space Mountain?

Have you ever been betrayed so deeply that you're not even sure what hit you? So blindsided by someone's actions that you're stunned you didn't see it coming? It's been a long time since that happened to me, but it just did.  

I was lied to. I was mislead. I was promised a future and it was ripped away. He fooled us all - my family, my kids, even his kids. He told me he loved me, talked about what our future would look like, sent me photos of engagement rings, said I was his "twin flame". He encouraged me to trust him. To open up to him. To believe that what we had was real. Then he left me for his ex-girlfriend. 

I am stunned. My family is stunned. None of us can believe it but I assure you it's true. It's a level of deception that is so shocking to me. He tried to spin it in a way that implied I misunderstood his intentions. He tried to tell me that my life was "too much" for him and that he didn't see how it could work. He chose the safe and easy route because that's all he's capable of. He walked away from something that could have been wonderful, loving and amazing. He was afraid to try for something next level because there was no guarantee it would work. He couldn't understand that it was a once in a lifetime opportunity that was worth the risk.

So what now? Do I wish him pain? Sadness? Regret? In my weaker moments, yes. In my calmer moments I feel sad for him. He may not regret it now but he will at some point. He will regret giving up on us. He will always wonder what could have been. 

As for me, I will survive. I will share my love with someone who is worthy and good. Someone who is trustworthy and brave. Someone who knows that a deeper level of love is not only possible but attainable. Someone who isn't afraid to believe in me and everything that I am. 

He will spend his life on the "Small World" ride instead of "Space Mountain". "Small World" is calm, simple and slow, but if you stay on it long enough, it will drive you crazy.  For some people, that's enough. 

I Fell Off My Shoes. Again.

I’m clumsy. Incredibly clumsy. I’ve struggled with it my whole life - not quite sure why. Quit dance class before I got the basics down? Maybe. I’ve tripped over a cinder block while wearing a skirt (first date), I’ve fallen out of my shoes during the high school graduation procession (sorry Todd) and I’ve fallen off my shoes during a dash to the door in a rainstorm (Another first date. Different guy.) It’s not that I walk around running into walls or anything I just, often, find myself losing my footing and taking a tumble. 

There was an incident in the summer of '93. It was summertime and I was out celebrating life with friends (I was drunk) and I decided to leap off the railroad tracks down onto the grassy slope below. What I didn’t know, and wouldn’t realize until I made contact, was that there was a railroad tie hidden in the grass. I nearly made it but, when it came time to stick the landing, all was lost. My foot hit the edge of the railroad tie and my ankle rolled 90 degrees to the side. The pain was instantaneous and the regret immediate. Alcohol, miracle elixer that it is, prevented the real pain from making itself known at that moment but it would come.

The next morning I woke to a throbbing, screaming pain in my ankle that would not be ignored. I looked down at my ankle (left ankle - that might be important later) and saw it had swollen to the size of a small melon. It was pretty gross. Sobbing hysterically I crawled into my Mom’s room for assistance. Went to the ER and numerous visits after that while wearing a walking cast. As a direct result of that fall my ankle has never been the same. Ever. The injury is what brought about my "I will never ice skate again" declaration.

I digress. Back to the fall from yesterday. Zoe is horrified yet laughing hysterically. I’m pretty horrified too, but decidely not laughing. Thank God the alarm wasn’t activated in that Jeep. If it had been turned on the thing would have started screaming in my ears while I tried to get back in my car. Zoe and I had gone out for sushi and as we headed for the car, I made a miscalculation in stepping off the curb. My ankle (right one this time - Yay!) gave way. I felt my other (useless) ankle give as well and I could feel myself going down. But. There was a beautiful, new, champagne colored Jeep parked next to my car. My hand shot out, instinctively, and smacked the hood of the Jeep, scrambling for purchase. I bounced off the Jeep then spun into the side of my car, grabbing the side mirror for balance. While I’m sure it only took 3 seconds, it felt like everything was happening in slow motion and that the entire population of the Busch’s parking lot was witnessing the fall. The minute it happened I knew it would be bad. You know how you can just feel something like that?  I struggled to get into the car as did Zoe, but she struggled more because she couldn’t stop laughing (nice, right?)… I told her we needed to get home before my foot swelled up so much that we couldn’t get the shoe off (not my first rodeo). I will pay for this tomorrow.

I remember a friend once told me that my self-proclaimed clumsiness was not, in fact, actual clumsiness. She said my frequent falls indicated that I was athletic, not clumsy and that I wasn’t afraid to move my body about which is why I fell a lot. I don’t know about that. If the US gymnastics team was as “athletic” as me there would be piles of them laying on the gymnasium floor in bandages. It would look like a MASH unit or that one scene in Gone With the Wind. The point is that my well-intentioned friend (Hi Kate!) loved me enough to tell me lies. The end.

I'm not mad, just disappointed

I was laying in bed at 10:30 am on a Sunday morning when Max (my 19 year old son) walked into my room. I rolled over to look at him through sleepy eyes (I was out late the night before), only to focus in and see he was looking at me with …. Is that disdain? Arms crossed, looking down at me, he said, “Are you going to stay in bed ALL day? You go out galavanting around town every night, you don’t get home until 3:00am and you didn’t even have the decency to call and let me know where you were? The kitchen was a mess so I cleaned it - you’re welcome - and I had to put away all the laundry as well. The dog sure wasn’t going to let herself out so I had to take care of that too. The kittens kept us up all night and I got no sleep at all because I was worrying about you.”

What. Is. Happening.

I’ve recently re-entered the dating game. Sort of. Really just kind of dipping a toe in if I’m being totally honest. But yes, I was out late and no, I didn’t call. To be fair, both kids are able to track me by my cell phone location and they knew who I was with but I agree I should have called.

Still. It’s pretty funny. Seeing him standing there looking all exasperated and mad. Just like I’ve done with him a millions times before....